I cleaned my room today.
Not a very profound event.
At least, not without the context of what I cleaned it *of.*
The past year and a half has been extremely eventful for me, to say the least. I graduated college (sort of, the jury is still out on that one), got my own place, finally got my license, a car, and a steady job. On top of all of that, my roommate and I are getting bigger and bigger with Double Down Tattoos and Piercings (the grand opening of our studio and lounge in South Fallsburg is Sunday!).
So much growing up for me. So much love, so many positive emotions, so many new friends, so many incredible physical objects to appreciate and share and cherish in the present, and so many intangibly marvelous lessons, relationships, and self-esteem gains that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.
So much negativity. So much sadness. So much anger and shouting and lying and betrayal and hatred. From other people to me and from me to other people. Negativity is a two-way street and I walked up and down it many times over the past 18 months.
The physical manifestations of (most of) that negativity are now packed in garbage bags and outside of my room.
I cleaned my room today.
And now so much of it is just... empty space that was once occupied by a presence. Occupied by an overly negative emotional connection that took months of stalling and preparation and over-thinking for me to finally sever for good.
A rotting emotional 'corpse,' if you will. It made my home feel bad (and my roommate complained that it actually made my room *smell* bad at times hehe) and it is finally gone and I am moving on and not looking back anymore.
And all this empty space that I now get to fill with positive, happy things and positive, good people.
My roommate has been so very supportive of me. He helped me get over my last big breakup (before I went and wrote another novel about it anyways lol), he lent me money to get my adult life off of the ground, he's given me advice and a hand and jokes and a friendship and *time.* Time that I did not ever have in Jersey City or Alfred. Time that I did not have with Dana. Time that I did not have with *myself,* in my own head, with my own negativity. I was a physical, emotional, unreasonable train wreck of a man and I didn't even realize it because I was so busy trying to be a perfect superhero of a person that I forgot how to just be a *good* person at times. Ed helps me more and more to bring that out in myself every day. Just being a good, level-headed person.
And today he helped me clean my room.
He's a good guy. I think moving in with him is the one kick in the pants I so desperately needed and so vehemently resisted.
Yeah, there are negative, shitty, manipulative people out there. Some of them are women and some of them are men. [shrugs] They're allowed to be shitty people and they're allowed to get away relatively scot-free for their actions. The universe doesn't owe anyone a fair shake.
But Ed helped me to realize that it's not about what other people do at all. It's how *you* react and how *you* allow (or disallow) positivity or negativity into your own life. There's always going to be more toxic boyfriends and girlfriends. There's always going to be more broken friendships. There's always going to be more unreasonable authorities and manipulative peers. There's always going to be more financial instability, lost opportunities, shitty coincidences, and unfair challenges.
There's only ever going to be one *you.* Only one person is going to look back into your eyes when you stare into a mirror.
So make that person a happy, positive, good person.
Let the past go.
Clean your room.
[Coldplay - Charlie Brown]